There are two types of people in this world — those who are lucky to have healthy parents and those who are not. Now the question is what to do if you weren’t lucky enough to have healthy parents? Before I answer this question I want you to recall all the people you met during your school and college years. You likely met some good-hearted individuals and, unfortunately, some who were less admirable or pure evil. Now, imagine what kind of parents they might become in the future. Do all kids grow up to become responsible and nurturing parents? The answer is no.
The reason why this happens is due to the inability of these kids to take responsibility for their actions. These kids don’t realise that their lives are not theirs alone but of their kids too. They don’t realize the future repercussions of what they are doing today. They do not realize how they are shaping the very fabric of reality, which will one day impact the lives of their offspring negatively.
This is what happens — the way you conduct yourself today determines the quality of parent you will become, the quality of kids you will raise and the quality of life both you and your loved ones will experience.
The majority of toxic and abusive parents are those kids. They never took responsibility to fix their issues, bad habits and mistakes. Such habits become their second nature and impossible to break when they get old enough to become parents.
Such individuals think that they possess absolute authority over their children and can treat them however they wish. They fail to recognize their children as independent beings with their own identities, separate from the parent's existence. Instead of offering love and support, they seek to control and manipulate their children, causing significant harm in the process. These individuals only prioritize their own interests and become skilled in manipulating their own offspring to keep them trapped within this destructive and abusive cycle.
As a result of this, their kids grow up to become lonely individuals who never learn to socialize. They get bullied, get ostracized, develop social anxiety, get rejected in love and life, and most importantly they give up on human beings entirely and nothing suits them better than their isolated rooms where they either indulge in drugs, books or games.
I believe that introversion and extroversion are not indicative of an individual's ability to socialize. Rather, those who prefer not to socialize or meet new people are often individuals who carry deep emotional scars and stories they are reluctant to share. These individuals tend to develop a heightened sense of self-consciousness, always feeling as though others are judging them. This is the life your kids will live if you don’t learn to fix your issues and conduct yourself like a healthy adult.
So, what to do if your parents are toxic? Should you fix them? Somewhere deep down you would feel like maybe there is hope. You may feel that if you try enough you will be able to fix them so that you can have a happy family but this will never happen. Maybe for a while, they will start behaving nicely just to give you the illusion that they have changed but very soon they will jump into their older self.
In reality, adults tend to repeat their established patterns of behavior because they are, well, adults. No amount of external effort can force an adult to change if they are not willing to do so on their own. Adulthood is like an unidirectional pit, you can’t be brought back no matter how hard others try. You are destined to repeat the same habits again and again. It happens because now it’s your second nature.
You don’t have to fix your parents because you can’t fix them. You don’t have to fix anything or anyone you did not break. So, what should you do in such a situation?
I strongly advise people not to feel compelled to impress their parents. Respecting your parents is one thing but impressing them is another. Many people do things they don’t like just to earn validation from their parents. This can include agreeing to everything they say or ask, pursuing a career they want, studying a field they prefer, or even marrying someone they've chosen.
Just because your parents brought you into this world doesn't mean you are forever bound to fulfil their every wish and live in perpetual gratitude. Healthy parents understand that their children have their own desires and ambitions, just like any other human being. Don’t let your parents bully you in this way. Grow yourself as if your parents don’t exist — free from their shadow and grow as an independent entity.
If they are toxic and abusive, don’t try to fix them. Let them handle their lives on their own. Forgive them and move on so that your kids can at least have a healthy life that you never had. Let them go, and part your ways. Make your own life and conduct yourself in a way that your kids will be impressed.
When people raise concerns about the declining human population on Earth, they always ignore the quality of an individual’s life. Having 20 billion population is pointless if 80% of them are living their lives in hell. The quality of human life matters, and I think that’s what these mad scientists, billionaires, and economists should be concerned about rather than numbers. You don’t want 15 billion broken kids, and no, you can’t help them with therapy or anything. Human lives should be looked at from a psychological point of view and we should focus on how we can create a world where we have healthy adult parents raising healthy kids. This is something we ignore when we talk about numbers. I believe every country should have a minimum age to start a family, and I recommend this to be 28 or above.
If you allow people younger than 28, they are never ready. Half of them are financially unstable, half of them are still struggling with their family issues, and half of them are still learning to make responsible decisions, so 28 or above is the optimum age when the government should allow family planning. However, it should be mandatory for every couple to go through specialized therapy where they can prove that they are healthy responsible adults ready to raise kids. Toxic kids should not be allowed to have families until they deal with their lives, and we can detect such patterns through specialized methods. This is how we can achieve a world where we don’t have kids struggling throughout their lives both socially and psychologically. Thus, we can create a better and happier world.
In the words of former New York City psychotherapist Daniel Mackler, “It’s not the responsibility of the traumatized to heal the traumatizer.”
- Elixir
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