A long time ago, I had a friend — or at least, that's what I thought. It was during my school days. The reason why we became friends is because we shared similar aspirations. We discussed the universe, business, physics, maths, aliens and whatnot. Initially, what brought him to me was my extreme academic inclination and interest in the universe, particularly aliens. We became good friends and our friendship endured for a long time until I realized that all the way he just wanted to see me fail. It was heartbreaking and surprising at the same time as I trusted him a lot and wished all the best things for him. I did not realize that most of our enemies live very close to us. Most of the people close to you want to see you fail. It’s not the stranger you should be more careful of but the people who are very close to you. I won't delve into the specifics, but that experience entirely shifted my perspective on friendship. So, how can one find reliable friends? I will let you know shortly.
Such people are what I call pseudo-friends. They fall under the umbrella of bullies, a label that we sometimes hesitate to apply due to its psychological nuances. Distinguishing between friends and bullies can be a challenge, as they come in various forms. Bullies can be:
Your friends.
Your parents - a great topic for another discussion.
Your colleagues at the workplace.
Your classmates or community mates.
Your relatives.
The typical bullies we are familiar with.
Your romantic partner.
You, personally — by allowing others to bully you.
Essentially, anyone can be a bully. It’s really crucial to deal with your bullies because they affect your life in the long run. People often prefer to avoid dealing with their bullies, assuming it's easier, but it affects them psychologically in the long run. Parents often advise their children to ignore bullies, assuming or asserting that these individuals don't hold much significance but that’s not the case. If you don’t learn to deal with your bullies you are more likely to face the following issues:
Social anxiety or you yourself start bullying others.
Extreme introversion.
Hyper self-consciousness - what people think of you.
Allowing others to grab opportunities from you both in your personal and professional life.
Development of stage fright.
You won’t have any social circle and people will start ostracizing you.
You will become more agreeable in order to not lose people, and you will avoid conflicts with your friends and romantic partners.
You will perceive everyone as alike and progressively avoid human interactions.
You may miss out on professional opportunities and see less qualified people become your bosses.
Over time, you may succumb to peer pressure or lose all motivation in life. Loneliness appears to be the only relevant option.
Most importantly, you will face issues in your dating life as you will not attract genuine mates. You'll observe that people are exploiting your vulnerability. If you are a woman, you might offer sexual favours in the hope of getting men to commit. In the process, you'll compromise your self-respect and may get into things that you never desired such as substance abuse, alcohol, or pornography.
On the other hand, If you are a man, you will become more agreeable to women — suppressing your true self in favour of being perceived as nice. You'll extend favours and prioritize the woman you like in the hope of getting laid one day. You will begin to conceal your true nature and present yourself as the nicest person on earth. Gradually, you will realize that these approaches are not working so you will develop hostility towards the opposite sex after repeated rejections. This is exactly what happens. This pattern is a likely outcome. While not all the outcomes I've mentioned will necessarily happen, a few are highly probable if you've been a target of bullying by any of the individuals mentioned earlier. The severity of the effects also depends on the intensity of the bullying.
So, how should you handle your bullies? Before I explain that, let me tell you why it’s extremely important to deal with your bullies. It's absolutely vital if you aim to mature into a well-adjusted adult, who desires a trouble-free life and wishes to do well overall. Consequently, it becomes important to teach your kids to deal with their bullies. In case you are a kid reading this post — deal with your bullies. Destroy them instantly!!
Here is how you can deal with them:
By Forgiving them.
By dealing with them or destroying them instantly.
But to whom should you extend forgiveness, and for what reasons? I'm not suggesting that you should forgive your bullies, but that’s the only option you have in case your bullies happen to be your parents. It’s because, by the time you discern their bullying behaviour, you become almost an adult. So, when you can’t deal with your bullies instantly you just need to forgive them by facing them one day over a dinner or something.
However, if you are aware that someone is bullying you then you need to stand up for yourself and destroy them instantly. Don’t allow them to win otherwise they will keep doing it. You need to fight and stand up for yourself no matter what happens. For instance, if someone physically assaults you, you do the same instantly instead of crying or underestimating yourself due to their size or strength advantage. Everyone feels the pain. Identify their vulnerabilities and deal with them. If they are in a group, you better fix this matter within a week or two. Develop a strategic approach and confront them individually based on your capabilities.
It’s always a good idea to deal with your bullies within the group they are trying to dominate because bullies are often motivated by their perceived social image within that particular group, and bullies are the biggest losers if you ask me. They are not persistent and lack a core belief in their own philosophy of bullying because deep down they know they are doing something they should not be doing. Consequently, they are essentially hollow and easier to deal with. If you fight and stand up for yourself or beat them twice or thrice, they will start respecting you. This approach is particularly relevant when the situation turns physical, especially during your childhood.
Hence, it's crucial to instill in your children the courage to stand up for themselves and develop resilience otherwise they will pay the price later in life. Why is this important? Well, if you don’t deal with your bullies others will follow and make fun of you or ostracize you. Over time, your subconscious mind internalizes this and you begin to perceive that you are a loser and you will start to see the repercussions as you grow older. But if you manage to deal with your bullies instantly, your subconscious mind won’t register this as trauma because it’s a one-time event, and others won’t follow as well. So, to your brain, this will be just a normal event that will fade as you grow older. Your peers will respect you and won’t mess around. They will perceive that you have some self-respect for yourself. Remember you become your own bully if you don’t deal with your bullies. Learn to destroy your enemies instantly or within the time frame they are accessible to you. Otherwise, the only option left is forgiveness when it’s too late. Let me tell you it won’t be easier. Trust your instincts — they consistently guide you on what to do and what to avoid: — Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!
But with age, people develop different ways to bully others — it’s more psychological in nature than physical. They will try to show you down, manipulate you, use you, put you under peer pressure, make fun of you and whatnot. You need to stand up for yourself and deal with such people by being direct and straightforward. You need to tell them the price they will pay if they persist. It becomes extremely important to speak up for yourself, no matter who your bullies are.
You need to develop your own way of communicating the threat you are or the havoc you can bring to their lives. If you've previously addressed childhood bullies, this becomes a smoother process, while it may be slightly more challenging if you've been a target of bullying. However, you can still develop self-confidence with enough practice. Your friends at college or colleagues at the workplace or your parents will try to bully you psychologically in various ways but you need to maintain your self-respect and deal with them immediately. Don't permit anyone, even friends, to disrespect you. Make them feel guilty and realize their mistakes by keeping your conversation as open or straightforward as possible. It’s highly effective when you deal with them in front of the group they are trying to dominate as it shows them and to others that you can stand up for yourself.
For instance, you could say “Hey! Your behaviour is highly unacceptable. I will not tolerate this. You need to address whatever trauma you may have experienced growing up. Otherwise, I am not someone you can easily get away from. Be ready for severe repercussions if it repeats!”, and say this with a threatening expression with confidence and clarity. You will notice others will support you too. If they apologize instantly, forgive them, and don’t develop hate for them after forgiving them. Once you have destroyed your enemies, forget them. You have to become the kind of person who is good to others only if they are good to you. Treat people as if they are your pets: reward them for good behaviour and discipline them for negative actions. You will be able to maintain a respectful image within your social circle.
This is applicable to various aspects of your life. If your partner is bullying you in any manner - stand for yourself. Don’t avoid conflict out of the fear that you will lose people. Your life should not revolve around people and you should be comfortable with yourself. However, if others wish to add something positive or meaningful to your life, they are welcome. Remind yourself daily: "You're content in your own company and you invite only those who treat you with respect into your life. There's no room for disrespect."
At times, what happens is you are stuck in a situation where you will lose a lot if you start a fight. For instance, let’s say all of a sudden your boss said something disrespectful to you. If you try to start a fight in this situation you may get fired. I'm assuming such behaviour isn't a daily occurrence; otherwise, it would be prudent to consider leaving your job and addressing the issue head-on. However, let's say you're in a situation where you're working to repay a huge debt. In such situations, you need to act diplomatically to handle the disrespect. You don’t want to lose your job because you will lose a lot eventually. You can simply laugh it off or find other ways to deal with it. You need to make sure that you are not losing in the end. The priority should be to safeguard your overall position. Hence, be diplomatic and think rationally but be aware when you are getting bullied. One way to clear your mind is by calculating the number of years you are going to spend with such a boss. He is not going to be part of your life forever so when your debt is repaid you can show him your wrath. Think strategically, keeping the bigger picture in mind.
I know I sound like an evil person but let me tell you if you don’t realize the importance of being practical others will harm you. Eventually, you will pay the price forever.
So, how to find reliable friends? First of all, you can’t find reliable people easily. You need to keep trying. Secondly, you need to follow these points:
Be respectful and don’t tolerate disrespect.
Don’t easily trust your friends. Reward and increase your trust based on the level of sacrifices they make for you.
Use the Bayesian approach — Adjust your trust based on their action little by little.
Be clear and straightforward. Communicate what you feel. If you are hurt by their words or actions tell them.
Respect yourself and don’t be dependent on them. Don’t try to impress them or act under peer pressure. You will make fewer friends but attract quality.
Show them that you care but this does not mean that you are trying to impress them. You need to understand that there is a subtle line between showing your care and impressing your friends. Your instincts talk to you.
Don’t be agreeable. Be real and present yourself as you are. This also includes your thoughts and opinions.
Honesty is always the best policy.
Never trust anyone 100%. Instead, develop a tolerance level. Be aware of your tolerance limits. Always remember, your career and loved ones are always more important than your friends.
Lastly, be hopeful because your relative probability of finding bad people in this world is almost zero as I showed in one of my previous posts.
You are enough all alone but you need people around you whom you can trust and fall in love with. People who are reliable and supportive in your bad phase. For that, you need to keep your heart open and soul healed — free yourself from all the traumas. You can achieve that by not bullying yourself means dealing with people who disrespect you and rewarding those who are respectful.
Don’t let a bad experience repeat again and again and print on your subconscious mind — fix this by dealing with your enemies instantly!
- Elixir
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Please feel free to share your questions and strategies for dealing with bullies in the comments.